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two tools for developing a love filter

10/4/2008 · Comments

in living the life

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I concluded my last post with the idea that Jesus’ wisdom in dealing with difficult people was the result of filtering their actions and His responses through love–what I termed a “love filter.”

I should note here that a love filter isn’t rose-colored glasses; choosing to filter people and the world through love is not choosing to ignore problems or act as if none exist. We saw last time that Jesus didn’t ignore problems; rather, He had the wisdom to know when to confront and when to overlook.

So the question becomes, “How do we love as Jesus loved? How do we develop that wisdom?” This is by no means an exhaustive list, but here are two things that are helping me.

See people from an eternal perspective: I touched on this in my first post about annoying people. Reminding myself that the lost are lost and need my compassion helps me to filter out some annoying behavior. My pastor said recently that we will never lock eyes with anyone who doesn’t matter to God. While I might write off someone as beyond redemption or beneath my notice, God never does that. To return to my current “problem person,” Alan matters to God. Let me say that more emphatically: Alan matters deeply to God, and God’s dearest desire is to see Alan restored to relationship with Him. How can I show disdain for that which God values so highly?

Pray blessings on them: Years ago, I heard a preacher say that loving our enemies was very hard to do, but we could turn Jesus’ teaching around and find a path to that place of love. Here’s what Jesus said:

“Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.” (Luke 6)

This wise man said start at the end of the list: pray first, then bless, then do good, and eventually you’ll find yourself actually loving the person that seems like an enemy.

What to pray? We might be tempted to pray with David that God would strike the heads of His enemies, but that would be the wrong approach–no matter how satisfying it might be in the moment! Me, I have trained myself to go beyond, “God, deal with this person” to “Father, I don’t know what this person needs, but You do. Bless him.” And then I add, “Bless not so he’ll be easier to deal with, but bless him because You love him.”

It’s hard to stay angry with anyone for whom we are regularly praying in love; those prayers bless not only those we name but also ourselves. Praying for God to bless someone helps us to get and keep that eternal perspective.

Filtering people’s behavior through God’s eternal perspective and praying blessings on them can–will–change our hearts toward the annoying people in the world. It helps us see them differently. Next time, we’ll tackle another part of this process: how we see ourselves.

Till then, add a comment that tells us how you deal with annoying people.

Tagged as: love, perspective, prayer, relationships

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return of the annoying people; or, I need a love filter

10/1/2008 · Comments

in living the life

Getting an eternal perspective on annoying people helped some, but it didn’t solve the problem. For the last few days, I’ve been having fantasies of telling this person–let’s call him Alan–of telling Alan off: kindly and gently, but still telling him off.

Why? Because my last interaction with him was unpleasant; I saw that arrogance again, and I also saw the insecurity, and I was actually rather surprised, because there was more of the bluster that the insecure use than I had expected. What changed this time is the knowledge that Alan is going on a retreat of sorts for personal introspection and evaluation. He likes to do a mental accounting once a year and settle up, and this settling up does involve making amends for wrongs. I should add here that Alan is very ethical; he is not the stereotypical atheist without a conscience. He has pretty high standards for himself.

But back to me: I immediately thought, “I’d like an apology! How about making some amends towards me!” And within a few hours, as I turned this over in my mind, I came up with the brilliant idea that now would be the ideal time to confront him. He’s headed off to consider his life; wouldn’t I be helping him by giving him something to consider? And to make it less confrontational, I would do it as a letter; slip it under his door on Friday on my way out and avoid any direct contact.

As I’ve turned this over in my mind–obsessed about it, really–I’ve known that A) this isn’t the solution, and B) I’m not helping myself any with such thinking. So last night, as I lay in bed, I prayed (which should have occurred much sooner in this process!). I said, “God, I clearly don’t know what to do here; I need help. What would Jesus do?”

It’s amazing the clarity that comes when we give up on our own ideas, acknowledge our own cluelessness, and give God permission to speak!

Immediately I thought of Jesus and his confrontations. Jesus knew how to put someone in his place. He called the pharisees whitewashed tombs, and he called Peter “Satan.” Ouch!

I then I wondered: how many stupid, arrogant things did Jesus not address? How much did He overlook? Peter seems pretty adept at putting his foot in his mouth; he must have given Jesus a lot of opportunities for rebuke.

Then I thought, “The Bible says that Jesus knew people’s thoughts; He had a divine understanding of when to speak and when not to.” Here’s the reasoning: Jesus could safely rebuke people, throw out the money changers, call people names because He had a divine sense that we don’t have.

But then I realized: that doesn’t work. How can Jesus be tempted in all things and sympathize with my weakness if He has something I don’t? The reason for Jesus’ people skills can’t be a divine advantage exclusive to Him; if that’s the case, He is no longer the great high priest described in Hebrews.

So I thought: what did Jesus have that I lack? What did Jesus have that I can have too? Immediately I knew. Jesus filtered everything through love. How did Jesus put up with Peter, James, and John (to name just a few)? He loved them.

Love defined and refined Jesus’ motives. Love allowed Jesus to know when to overlook an offense and when to confront. Jesus had a thought process, a filter, that continually said, “I love Peter; I want to bless Peter; what is best for Peter at this moment?”

In contrast, my thinking is more often, “I love Dan; I want to make Dan feel better; what will make Dan feel best at this moment?”

All this went through my head in less time than it has taken you to read it. And I immediately knew: I cannot confront Alan until I love him and the confrontation is motivated by a true desire to bless him rather than make myself feel better. Only then, when I’ve filtered the situation and my responses through love, can I be certain that my actions are the best for both me and Alan.

Next time, I’ll share some of my strategies for developing a love filter. In the meantime, use the comments to tell us how you deal with difficult people.

Tagged as: confrontation, Jesus, love, relationships

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the surprise of justice and love

June 16, 2008

The prayer for the week offers all sorts of things to meditate on, but minister justice catches my attention. I’ve never had a good grasp of justice from a biblical perspective, in part because I’m not certain that what we mean by the word is always exactly what God means when He uses it.

Word geek that I am, I usually start with the dictionary when I have questions like this. Both just and justice have to do with right and moral behavior and fairness; the root comes from the Latin for law. And that’s where I get hung up: part of the good news of the gospel is that we don’t receive what the law demands for our sins–we don’t get justice; we instead receive mercy. And fairness doesn’t seem to be part of God’s plan. Yes, God is fair in that His standard is applied equally: all who come to Him for salvation receive it; He doesn’t apply it willy-nilly or according to whim. But fairness in the way that children mean it–“Mom, she got more than me! That’s not fair!” or “Dad, all my friends get to go. Why can’t I? You’re so unfair!”–the sense of fairness our kids desire (and if we are honest, we want it too) is rarely at work in the world.

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Daniel: “God is my judge”

January 2, 2007

I have come to dislike resolutions because they don’t work very well for me–or apparently for most other people, based on what I read in magazines. Instead, I ask myself, “How do I want to grow in this new year? How would I like to be different in 2007?” Because I teach one-semester courses, I view my year as having three beginnings, spring, summer, and fall. And I like that, because it gives me plenty of opportunities to step back and evaluate where I’m headed and how things are going. So, as I enter January, I try to think more about the next few months rather than the entire year, and that makes the task much less daunting.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been reminded that I tend toward criticism. Some of it is personality: I’m detail-oriented, and as I take in the details, I tend to notice the problem areas. That can be a blessing–if you’re in a situation that requires evaluation. But it’s not a blessing when it becomes the normal mode of interaction with life.

I find it easy to focus on the negative, both in myself and in others. This personality trait was magnified by past experiences. Growing up in a religious tradition that constantly evaluated who was in and out of the Kingdom made it easy to live in perpetual judgment. This, coupled with a dominating sense of God as Judge, set me up for some problems.

I think I’ve come a good ways in changing this.

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a merciful God

October 27, 2006
This entry is part 3 of 3 in the series mercy

Number 3 in a series on mercy.

Studying the word mercy, I see that over and over God is identified with mercy. Not only does He give mercy, He is mercy. In Psalm 145, David praises God:

The Lord is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
The Lord is good to all,
and his mercy is over all that he has made. (8–9)

And then there are these other passages:

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love covers many sins

October 20, 2006

In this meditation from By Faith Alone, Martin Luther considers 1 Peter 4:8, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.”

Here, Peter builds upon a passage from the book of Proverbs: “Hate starts quarrels, but love covers every wrong” (Proverbs 10:12). And this is what Peter means: If you don’t restrain your sinful nature and desires, you will easily become angry with others. You will be unable to forgive others easily. So make sure you curb your evil desires. Then you will be able to love and forgive others, for love covers sin.

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the loving gaze of Christ

August 26, 2006

In her book The Open Door, Frederica Mathewes-Green writes about coming under the gaze of Christ, letting ourselves be known in the way that David describes in Psalm 139…

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