Tuesday, September 12, 2006 · one response · comments closed

9th in a series on humility

I’m high maintenance; “Dan” takes a lot of work. And I suspect you could probably say the same of yourself (I promise it won’t hurt too much to say aloud just once, “I’m high maintenance”). In being focused on meeting my needs, maintaining my sense of myself, protecting my rights and privileges, I’m neither resting nor peaceful. Nor am I particularly happy, because I’m constantly getting tromped on. My wife offends me, one of the kids hurts my feelings with a comment about my weight, a driver cuts me off or gets in my way, somebody’s kids annoy me while I’m shopping at Wal-Mart: I go through my day irritated that the world doesn’t cater to me.

I have experienced some moments of Dan-free living, and they were quite enjoyable, actually. Moments of not being concerned with me but with others or with the task at hand. Teaching is generally that way for me. I simply go and do; I’m not worried about how I look or sound or whether I’m coming off as smart and professorial. I enter fully into the moment and have a great time. And I’ve discovered in those moments that a grace is there that makes up the deficiencies and fills in the gaps. If — When — I make a mistake, I simply acknowledge it, laugh at myself, and keep going. Teaching in those times is effortless (and great fun!).

Here’s the secret with my teaching: I’ve come to the place where I fully accept myself in the classroom. I know what I can do and what I can’t, and I’m totally okay with both. And I know that the Holy Spirit is there with me, blessing me, empowering me, and giving me the grace I need to do what the Father has gifted and called me to do. And if a student doesn’t like me? Too bad for him or her; I’m not for everyone, but I’ve done this long enough to know that I’m good at what I do. I don’t take it personally anymore.

Here’s another way to put this: I’ve got confidence in myself as a teacher. Does that mean I’ve arrived? No, I know I can always improve — but I don’t let that knowledge mar the enjoyment of where I am right now. And my confidence as a teacher has come ultimately from a recognition that it’s by the grace of God that I’m successful. My confidence comes from humility.

That sounds paradoxical, but only because we’ve confused humble with door mat and confident with arrogant. But just a little thought about Jesus shows us that real humility and confidence go hand-in-hand. Jesus spoke His mind, but He was never arrogant. He wasn’t afraid of what people thought, because He was certain of His Father’s blessing. John says it so clearly: “knowing that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he had come from God and was going back to God,” Jesus washed the disciples’ feet. To put it another way, Jesus had it all in perspective.

My first year of teaching showed me that I was on to something; even though I made a lot of mistakes, I had a great time and it didn’t seem like work. But I was far from confident or humble. I had this sense that even if today went well in the classroom, tomorrow would likely bring disaster and reveal me as a fraud. And so I lived in constant fear of looking stupid in front of my students. Growing up, my sole claim to fame was intelligence and academic achievement; I couldn’t afford ever to be wrong. Over the years, I’ve learned that it’s not painful at all to tell a student I don’t know the answer to a question, and I’ve lost that fear. I’ve also learned that for me teaching is not an ability but a gifting, and that realization brought humility, because I know that giftings are from God. I can’t claim any credit other than doing what God made me to do.

Fathering is much the same for me: I know I have a lot to learn, but I’m totally comfortable with where I am. God’s grace has allowed me to be a good father, and though I don’t always get it right, I don’t worry about it. When I mess up, I apologize to my children because my sense of myself is not invested in being right.

The hats of teacher and father sit easy on my head. But then there’s friend and husband, and sometimes I think that I don’t even own hats for those roles! What’s the difference? Though several ideas come to mind, I think it boils down to pride. As I said at the start, I’m too concerned about high-maintenance Dan. Too worried about preserving a particular idea of myself as husband or friend.

But that can change, right now. Today, I declare that I fully accept myself as husband and friend. I’m not perfect at either, but I’m doing my best, and that’s good enough for right now. For too long, I’ve focused on my limitations and failings and acted as if those were the sum total of who I was. Stated that way, it sounds rather foolish, doesn’t it? If I can be confident in myself a teacher and father, keeping the negatives in perspective, why I can’t I do the same with the rest of my life? There’s no good reason not to.

Suddenly (and I do mean suddenly; I’m having an “aha moment” as I write), I understand what Paul means when he says, “by the grace of God I am what I am.” I get it.

You see, I’ve often thought that Paul was an arrogant son-of-a-gun. His “this is the way it is, take it or leave it” attitude really annoyed me. But now I get it. He was humble and confident. What are you going to do when you killed God’s people to serve God? You can hardly boast about your track record. Paul knew his limitations. But he didn’t dwell on them, because he also knew that God had called him. And that calling — that manifestation of God’s love and mercy and grace — gave Paul the humility and the confidence to say, “I am what I am.”

That humility and confidence frees us from ourselves, because we move past the constant “what about me” thinking to focusing on God who empowers and on the people He has placed around us. That’s exciting!

Can you say, “By the grace of God I am what I am”? Try it out. Say it out loud and see how it feels. It may feel odd at first, prideful perhaps or simply untrue. If you can’t say it and mean it, do it in faith. And remember those key words at the start: by the grace of God.

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