Wednesday, June 14, 2006 · no responses · comments closed

My niece Emily and her husband Keith recently had twins, and I was thinking about what advice I would share with them about parenting. Number 1 is “always talk about God” (see Deuteronomy 6:4-9). Number 2 is definitely, “Don’t do anything once that you’re not willing to do a thousand times.” Let me explain.

I discovered fairly early that Zack, our oldest, is a creature of habit — and that all children are. They love routines. There’s a definite upside to this: establish a pattern for doing something, and they will generally stick with it and even demand it. My kids are so used to hearing me pray with them that if I leave out any part of the prayer, they remind me: “Bad dreams and scary thoughts.” That means I forgot to pray, “Protect them from bad dreams and scary thoughts and nightmares.” And interestingly, they don’t expect Mom to pray the same as Dad, but they do expect each of us to pray consistently. It’s a good thing.

But — and this is a big but — you really need to think through what you do before you do it. I learned this the hard way when Zack was about 2 and I decided to be silly with him at bedtime. Typically, I would pray with him and kiss him goodnight. But on this night, I kissed his nose and said “Goodnight, nose.” Kissed his forehead, “Goodnight, forehead.” Moved on to his lips, his chin, his hair, his eyes, his cheeks, his eyebrows — not a part of his face was left untouched. All well and good…until the next night. I prayed and kissed his forehead and said goodnight. Zack wanted more. I went through the entire routine again. Repeat for several nights, and I had a problem. I couldn’t not say goodnight to every part of his face.

And so I formulated my rule: don’t do anything once that you’re not willing to do a thousand times. As we had Isaac and Anna, this rule has proved useful time and again. I don’t remember how I worked myself out of the “goodnight face” routine with Zack, but I have learned to stop and consider, “Is this something I want to do over and over and over?”

This applies to more than just bedtime routines. With all three kids, we’ve seen that a preschooler can watch a movie four times today and still want to see it again tomorrow. And that makes you think about what your child is picking up. A character that talks back to his parents may be funny once, but do you really want your kid to see that 50 or 100 times? As Zack has gotten older, Teddie and I have realized that we have to carefully consider our choices. A friend invites him to spend the night. It’s not just a question of “can we work out the details?” but also, more importantly, “is this a child we want Zack to spend the night with repeatedly?” It might be that he never wants to spend the night with Joe again — but we have to think carefully about the precedents we might be setting.

Does this mean we never try anything “just once”? Absolutely, and we make clear the parameters up front. When Zack got his PS2, he wanted to rent some games we were unsure about. First-person shooters were out, and we explained why. Other games, it depended. Sometimes, we had no issues. Others, we said, “We’ll try this and see what it has. But if we find anything objectionable, we’re returning it.” Zack has understood and never complained — and in fact, he has volunteered a few times to stop playing something he realized was a problem.

In some ways this is no great revelation; basically, I’m saying “be intentional.” I guess what I realized as an inexperienced parent was that I needed to be intentional all the time. I knew I would have to think about things when my kids got older, but at two? With kids at 13, 7, and 5, Teddie and I have realized that what happens at 2 matters very much, because it can set the precedent for good or bad for years to come.

So, Keith and Emily, think about what you’re doing with Noah and Benjamin. And remember, don’t do it once if you aren’t willing to do it a thousand times.